OMFG CAFFEINE!
by Shadow Star.EXE
Summary: Sonic and his friends and enemies discover the wonders and joys of ENERGY DRINKS! And COFFEE! I wrote this out of boredom, so give me a break...OF THAT KIT KAT BAR. Rated for language and suggestive themes.


**You know, there's a great relief from writing serious fics back to writing some crackfics. I got the idea of this story while I was drinking COFFEE!!**

_**OMFG CAFFEINE**_

_Written by the fabulously retarded CeleBaby20_

"Hey Tails?"

"What is it, Sonic?"

"What's caffeine?" the blue hedgehog asked curiously.

Tails thought for a minute before answering. "I'm not sure but I think it's something that can really make people go faster at things…"

"Go faster?" Now Sonic's interest was perked. "If I have some caffeine, I could go even faster then ever?"

Then Shadow popped up from behind them.

"Fat chance, faker, because I ALREADY GOT SOME CAFFEINE!!" he yelled, holding up fifteen cans of Monster energy drinks.

"WHAT? DUDE, GIMME SOME OF THAT JUICE!!" Sonic yelled. Unfortunately, Amy was walking by and overheard Sonic's innuendo. She began to cry, thinking Sonic had turned homosexual.

"Now I'll never get to steal Sonic's virginity, even if he didn't want me to!" she wailed and shot herself. In her tears, she realized she was still alive because the gun contained blanks. "Fuck." **(Don't kill me, Amy fans!!)**

Shadow and Sonic were arguing who could go faster after drinking fifteen cans of Monster. Silver floated up, grinning.

"Both of you guys are losers. I just drank twenty cans of Red Bull and I CAN GO WAY FASTER THEN YOU!!" With that said, Silver floated away in a zip of light.

"DUDE, WE GOTTA OUTRACE HIM!!" Shadow and Sonic yelled at each other. They proceeded to drink the Monsters and raced around the world, making Silver eat their dust. When they got back to Tails' workshop, they started arguing again.

"I won!"

"No, I won! I'm SEXY!"

"WELL, I'M BLUE!"

"I'M SEXY!"

"I'M BLUE!!"

"WHOTHEFUCKCARES?!"

Vector covered Charmy's ears with his headphones and drank some coffee. Unknown to him, Charmy had doubled the amount of caffeine as a prank. Now Vector was very much highly caffeinated.

"IMMA CHARGIN' UP MAI BUBBLE GUM!!" and Vector dumped fifty pieces of gum in his mouth and chewed. He then blew a bubble that was bigger then North America and popped it, making the whole continent sticky and purple.

Speaking of purple, Big the Cat just discovered a coffee machine near his "house" if that's what it's meant to be. He also discovered Folgers Coffee brew with the machine and proceeded to make coffee. How could he figure out how to use a coffee machine? Well, he could pilot the Tornado, couldn't he? I'm sure he could figure out how to use a coffee machine...

"OW!!" Big cried. He apparently burned his finger on the hot plate.

...without burning himself.

Big made eight cups of highly caffeinated coffee and drank it all down. He stood up and stared at the Mystic Ruins and the entrance to the Lost World. Then he scratched his belly.

"Feels good!"

_**O.o Okaaaaaaaaay...let's go find Rouge and Blaze. **_

Rouge was making herself a good cupa the lovely stuff we call coffee when Blaze walked into the room. She was holding a dark bottle of some sort.

"Hey Rouge, check this out. It's called Coffee Liquor. Wanna try some?"

"Sure. How much do we pour into our cups?" Rouge asked. Blaze checked for instructions and couldn't find any. The girls shrugged and proceeded to dump the whole contents of the bottle in their cups and got wasted.

"So one taime...I slept wit...Dr. Eggman...and his weenie...wash...was...SO SMALL!" Rouge babbled. Blaze laughed.

"Thish one taime...I valked in en Mephilies...NEKKID!" she squealed and Rouge nearly had a heart attack.

"Hey Blashe?"

"What Roushe?"

"Who do you wanna...shleep wit?"

Blaze thought for a second. "I...wanna do..."

_**Instead of listening to them, let's go find Mephiles!**_

"IBLIS! IBLIS! SOLARIS! BWAHAHAHAHA!!" the dark hedgehog said, with thirty cans of Red Bull lying around. "LET'S PLAY THE ULTIMATE PRANK!!" He then proceeded to paint a lifesized cactus blue and trim it so it resembled a hedgehog. He brought it over to Amy's apartment and knocked on her door and hid. When Amy answered the door, she thought the cactus was Sonic and hugged it. Mephiles peed on the floor, laughing. Amy, of course, cried her little heart out.

"That was so mean, Mephy!!"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT, YOU PINK RODENT!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

_**Back to Sonic and Shadow...**_

"Quick! State Rule No. 34 of the internet!" Sonic said.

"Uhh...never speak 1337sp34k unless you know how to speak it?" Shadow asked.

"NO, YOU IDIOT!" Sonic hit Shadow over the head. "RULE NO. 34 OF THE INTERNET IS THIS: IF IT EXISTS, THERE IS PORN OF IT. NO EXCEPTIONS!!"

"...Dude, you watch porn?"

"You don't?"

"Nah, Rouge keeps me up all night."

"But she slept with Eggman..."

"WHAT?! DUDE, THAT IS SICK AND ABSOLUTELY UNTHINKABLE!! I might as well break up with Rouge for..." Shadow paused.

"For?" Sonic asked.

"I have no idea. There aren't many girls in our series," Shadow replied.

"True. I wish Sonic Team would come up with more girls so fanboys, fangirls and fanfiction writers can pair you and me up with more then just Amy or Rouge or Blaze," Sonic said.

Silver came out of nowhere and knocked Sonic unconcious. "BLAZE IS MY GIRLFRIEND! DON'T PAIR HER UP WITH EITHER OF THEM!!" he said, breaking the fourth wall and looking at the readersslashwriters.

"Oh, we're in a fanfic? Hi, fangirls!" Shadow said, making sexy macho poses. The fangirls swooned and fainted.

"That was weird..." Silver wandered away and Shadow was stuck by himself.

"I have a rash," he said.

"Dude, TMI," Sonic said while unconcious.

"Shut up, faker."

_**Let's see what the Tails Doll is up to!**_

"Schluuuuuuuurpy!! I will take your soul!" Tails Doll said while looking at a bottle of Gatoraid. The bottle did not respond, so Tails Doll drank it down. Then it realized that it was a doll and made of plush, so it got all sticky and smelly.

"Damn! I hate going through the washing machine!!"

"Yo, Tails Doll, you ready for Poker?" Metal Sonic and Mecha Knuckles showed up with a deck of cards. Why Poker? Everyone knows that Tails Doll and Mecha Knuckles were created for the sole purpose to be Metal Sonic's Poker buddies!!

"No. I'm all sticky."

"Oh, is that why you're all purple now?" Mecha Knuckles asked. He and Metal Sonic burst into laughter as Tails Doll looked down at himself and cursed.

"I would take your soul, but you don't have one."

"You don't have to remind me!!" Mecha Knuckles sobbed. Metal Sonic groaned.

"Why did Sonic Team create these two morons again? It's not like they made any other appearances besides Sonic R."

Tails Doll and Mecha Knuckles gasped. "YOU'RE RIGHT. WE SHOULD GET MORE ROLES IN LATER GAMES!!"

"Well, Mecha Knuckles, maybe...but I think people are still too afraid of you to want you in another game, Tails Doll," Metal Sonic said.

"Shut up. You're not even the real Sonic," Tails Doll retorted.

Metal Sonic began to sob. "NOOOOOOOOOOO. I AM THE ULTRA METAL OVERLORD!! I AM THE REAL SONIC!!"

"Whatever. I'm off to eat the sun," Tails Doll said, leaving.

"What about our Poker game?" Metal Sonic asked. Tails Doll was already gone and Mecha Knuckles was still trying to sob. "Jeez. Sonic Team, make me some better Poker buddies next time."

"No," Sonic Team said.

_**THE END!!**_

"HEY!! THAT'S NOT FAIR!! I DIDN'T EVEN GET A PART!" Espio yelled.

_**Shut up, purple ninja.**_

"Ninja hater," Espio retorted and walked away.

_**LIES!! IT'S ALL LIES!! **_

**I'm a ninja fan. I swear it! But...but...OW, MY MOUTH HURTS!!**


End file.
